My wife and I recently returned from a much needed rest. We cruised to the Grand Turks on Virgin. I highly recommend this adults only cruise line. Now that I am back in the office I thought about this leadership topic while on the boat.
I learned a valuable lesson on leadership when I started my first organization. I knew that I should keep a distance from my subordinates, but they wanted to get to know me and I believed the way to win their confidence as a leader was to hang out with them and let them see the "real Kevin." While I made sure I did not compromise my integrity, I laughed at their jokes, agreed with their quims, and sided with their opinions. However, when I needed to chastise them for their omissions in leadership and character, they called me a hypocrite because I allowed them to become too familiar with me.
I am a people leader, so It is hard for me to keep a distance from the people I serve. I am the person who will offer to have coffee with you at Starbucks, send you cards on your birthday, inquire about the health of your family, and show a genuine interest in your well-being. In leadership you cannot be "touchy feely" because your people will not respect you if you allow them to be part of your core. There must be a respectful margin of distance between you and those you manage. You may desire more personal relationships but you can't.
Leaders must also be careful of the behavior and language used around their teams. Your role is to set an example of professionalism to be followed and admired. Your speech and communication cannot be so common that you mirror bad habits and poor taste. You want your team to push to levels of success that prepare them for future opportunities as leaders. Your job is to push and promote. You cannot motivate them if they do not respect you. I say often that people do not leave companies. They leave leadership of companies. If your team members do not value your leadership and decision-making, they will look for other career opportunities. You will lose people who add value and strength to your company over harmless intentions gone awry.
It is lonely at the top.
The remedy for this is to surround yourself with peers who operate within the same sphere of influence. Develop friendships and associations with other people leaders. Find outlets where "letting your hair down" will not have repercussions. All leaders need a place to decompress. Find an outlet that is also a safe haven for venting. I have many professional relationships that afford me the freedom to be myself. These relationships sharpen me professionally and provide therapeutic nurturing when needed. They allow me to be open and transparent without losing respect.
Eventually, the loneliness will go away and you will develop relationships with people who understand your journey. Your team will respect and appreciate you more as you learn to build relationships with them without compromise.
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